What We Leave Behind

Most of you should probably have heard this. If not, you may need to sit down.

My family is--FINALLY--moving to Taylor, Arizona.

So, for anyone in my family or who’s a friend/associate of ours from the Grand Canyon state, yay, it’s good news. If you live in Utah you’ll probably be seeing more of us (I know I’ll enjoy having them close enough to take an occasional weekend trip). And I’m relieved that Dad decided to do this before the Second Coming.

But for our friends back in Texas, it’s kind of a bittersweet moment. Dad moved out to a little town east of San Antonio called Seguin (SEH-geen) to work at the Motorola plant not quite thirty years ago. Motorola has come and gone, but Dad brought Mom to live there and they raised five of us down in a little house right off of 1-10. We went to church in Seguin and school in Marion and although we didn’t have all the cool toys or watch all the popular TV shows we had books and friends and cats and that was enough. I don’t think the people we’ve known and loved in the area can imagine what the world is going to be like without us. I know I can’t.

View out my dad's office window. Notice the goats--
this was obviously a very long time ago

I don’t miss Texas a lot. I had bad experiences at school--some of them, yes, featured me getting bullied. Right up through Senior year. I don’t miss having to drive everywhere to get to a store or to church or to town, half the reason I never moved back. I don’t miss the humidity. Or the bugs--especially the spiders. I won’t miss the floods, and chances are where we’re going we won’t see so many of them. I won’t miss the rattlesnakes we’d occasionally get in our barn, but where we’re going there might still, sadly, be rattlesnakes, probably a different subspecies but still.

I’ll tell you what I DO miss--what I AM going to miss now that my family isn’t there anymore.

I’m going to miss our little house in the country that had grass just soft enough to walk on in the yard. We have like five pecan trees that give us nuts in the fall and in winter we crack them and give them away by the pound to friends and neighbors and ship them to far-off relatives. We have a field that we just let hay grow in and when I was younger dad would build us forts in the barn. Dad has tried getting into raising different kinds of animals--sheep, goats, rabbits pigeons, we were somewhat successful with chickens and ducks. The only critters that really flourished were the cats. We had a garden in the backyard and a little playground that got turned into a treehouse and then a fort that pretty much only the cats used. Part of the reason I turned out an introvert was because I lived too far away from friends to really hang out with them a lot. So that meant I could spend hours walking around in circles around the house and the field and daydream or just go back inside to draw or to read or to watch movies.

Guadalupe River crossing at US 90.

I'm going to miss the hills. Out where I lived there were just low rolling ones everywhere. If you're from Utah, it can seem kind of flat, but compared to, say, Lubbock, it's actually interesting terrain. I thought it was beautiful--it was the most beauty I got to see from day-to-day. And then every so often, my family would drive out into the Hill Country just a little to the west. Big, steep hills covered with brambly forests, a lot less civilized. Definitely a wild place.

I’m going to miss the rolling fields of wheat and corn that line the roads, the pastures full of horses and cattle, the ruined barns and houses that dot the landscape, the thickets of live oak and mesquite that grow here and there. We are out in the boonies enough to still have that small-town/country feel with the authentic drawls and cowboy boots and hats, but close enough to civilization that we feel, well, civilized. Mom and Dad were never really part of that culture anyway--Mom’s from (urban) Utah and my dad’s from Arizona. I built up a tolerance for country music. Enough to say that I like Rascal Flatts and Carrie Underwood and to relate to the lyrics of a few popular singles that I can’t name the artists or titles to.

I might miss Marion, a little, actually. Runs to Dollar General, driving in early on 78 from early morning seminary in Seguin. A small school that doesn’t have a lot of electives but a staff of teachers that was so supportive and wonderful to me and my four siblings. And there was nothing quite like homecoming day when all the girls who were passionate about it wore those frilly, tinkling mums of green and white ribbons.

Pape's Pecan House, Seguin, TX

I’m going to miss Seguin. Driving over the Guadalupe River every time we’d go to town and savoring the view. The Victorian houses. Just driving down College street. The old-town feeling of Court Street, the square behind the courthouse with the fountain and the statue of Juan Seguin that I regret not visiting nearly enough. Don’t get me wrong, the little Mormon meetinghouse on King and College streets is pretty. But the other religious organizations in Seguin have some fine churches too. Driving into town from you can see all the steeples as you come down the hill, and you glimpse them close-up when you drive through town. And then there’s the stores where we’d do our grocery shopping and the old library and just the landmarks you’d learn from driving back and forth a million times. Lazy afternoons at Starke Park. A lot of it has changed, over the years--the old HEB is gone and they built a bigger one. Blockbuster is gone, of course--it got divided into a liquor store and a dental office. And there’s a big, brand new city library downtown.

I’m going to miss the nearby town of New Braunfels. Landa Park. Playing church basketball with the girls over there. Hobby Lobby and Target and all of the best shopping! The hotbed of local German culture and the Edelweiss Inn that was oddly enough featured in a movie I saw at BYU International Cinema. Clear Springs...do they make onion rings like that anywhere else?

I’m going to miss the creeks and the little places for camping in and around Seguin and then the state parks up in the Hill Country (fall is the best time of year for camping in Texas, fall being November). The Hill Country, beautiful and remote and covered with wild forests. Wildflowers, every spring: bluebonnets, Indian paintbrushes, Indian blankets, primroses. Spring is my favorite time of year in Texas. It’s the best place in the world to be in springtime.

More or less what our highways look like in the springtime, in a good year (Pinterest)

I never went to Austin very much--well, except their airport, but that is a small airport that tbh I am glad to see the last of for now. But everyone in that part of Texas knows that Downtown Austin is a place to be avoided at rush hour. The few times I have driven through downtown Austin, though, I loved it. We would combine with the stakes in Austin for Youth Conferences, and let me tell you Austin is where the cool (Mormon) kids are from. A lot of those cool kids are here in Provo.

When people ask me what part of Texas I’m from I say San Antonio. Because it IS the best part. Marion is close enough to the Alamo and the downtown museums that we took epic field trips in elementary school. My parents, they’re from out of state, and they’re...tourists, so they like taking us to the tourist magnet, the Riverwalk in downtown San Antonio, but it’s a beautiful place with bridges and boat rides and the best of local culture on display. Better than Venice. The zoo is...mediocre but the last time I went was over ten years ago. The Japanese Tea Gardens at Brackenridge park are spectacular.  I went on field trips to the auditorium at Trinity University to see plays based on classic short stories when I was in middle school. And then I graduated from high school in that auditorium.

Downtowm SA

San Antonio also has the best freaking NBA team. I am a Spurs fan for life.

The Church built a temple in San Antonio. It has beautiful stained-glass windows and in one of the ordinance rooms a mural of the Hill Country with wildflowers painted by a lady from my home ward, the late Ardyth Haecker. It was completed in 2005 and the night before the dedication I was part of an enormous cultural celebration in the Alamodome. The temple is on Stone Oak parkway, overlooking Loop 1604 (another place to avoid during rush hour), right on top of a hill at the edge of the Hill Country.

Corpus Christi is where my family would go to the beach. And it's getting its own post.

Gosh, I love Texas history. I grew up right in the middle of where some of the more significant events happened, so I’m biased. But we had our own war of Independence from Mexico. We had an epic last stand at the Alamo. I read a biography of Sam Houston a few years ago and let me tell you, we need more people like him in today’s government. He may have been from a pro-slavery state but he was vehemently against the other southern states’ wanting to break with the Union right up until the Civil War, at least that’s what I gathered.

And NO state has state pride like Texas. I may live anywhere else in the world, but I will always own my Texas pride.

I like to think that the Texas flag is made out of part of the US flag.

Edit of a personal photo of the Alamo

I’m going to miss the culture. There’s the cowboy/folk/country element, for sure. My brother David spent several years growing up playing fiddle at the local oprys and I went to a few of his shows--lemme tell ya. But there is also a strong Latino heritage in the area, lots of Spanish place names and architecture and glorious, glorious mariachi music.

Also, the FOOD. Food is very important in south-central-whatever-Texas. Everybody (except me) loves spicy food. My home ward would do a chili cookoff nearly every year. My mother is going to miss the tamales. I’m going to miss the breakfast tacos made on homemade flour tortillas, wrapped in tinfoil, stuffed with cheese, egg, potato sausage, bacon, onions, refried beans, and other fillings and toppings to taste.

arielle clementine

My mom served her mission in Houston, Spanish-speaking. We almost never went to Houston (but before the temple in San Antonio was built the adults in my ward would go to the temple there every so often, and let me tell you the Houston Temple is beautiful). But my mom learned to make somewhat authentic Mexican food--enchiladas, fajitas. We’re taking that with us. To this day a quesadilla is a staple of my diet.

I’m going to miss driving through West Texas. Yes, it’s a pain in the butt, but I learned to enjoy the ride, especially when every landmark we passed would mean we were that much closer to that somewhere else we wanted to be. You go into the Hill Country, and then pass through lots of plateaus and buttes right up until you reach Fort Stockton, and then after that you’re in a desert and it’s so barren that you can feel the moisture coming off your skin, but at least there’s mountains. And then, after like six hours and six hundred miles, you’re in El Paso.

Butte visible from Interstate 10 just outside of Fort Stockton

It’s not just saying goodbye to all of these places, though. Moving means saying goodbye to all of the people that my family has spent the last twenty-odd years building relationships with. Each ward unit in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is supposed to be like a family, but no ward IS a family more than the Seguin Ward of the Kyle Texas Stake. When my dad moved there, it was just a branch. There was a Spanish branch there for a little while, but we’ve been a ward since I was a kid. Dad got to be bishop for a little while, even. There weren’t a lot of girls in my young women’s group, but they were some of my best friends growing up. Our chapel has hymnals in both English and Spanish.

There’s a handful of families that have been there as long as Dad has, if not longer. And there are families that come and go that you never forget. Some of them are transplants from Utah/Idaho/Arizona, like my folks. Some of them are local. A lot of them are converts. We have dinners parties like no one’s business--Thanksgiving, Christmas, Halloween, boy scout fundraisers, that sort of thing. Back in the day when General Conference was only broadcast to the chapels we would have pot-lucks in between the Sunday sessions.  And yes, we take turns feeding the missionaries.

LDS Chapel, Seguin

On the Stake level, we’ve made a lot of unforgettable friends too. Up until 2008, we were part of the San Antonio East Stake. Then we got put into the Kyle stake. Our stake center in Kyle is a 45-minute drive from my house and it made no sense for my family to attend functions there. But we stuck it out. We made it work. We have friends clear up and down I-35 from the east side of San Antonio to New Braunfels to Buda, friends with whom we share a common faith. After Dad got released from being bishop he served off and on in the high councils of both stakes. Since he and mom both speak fluent Spanish they have usually been assigned to work with the Spanish-speaking members on ward and stake levels.

We have friends outside of the church, too. My mom says that her co-workers at the Seguin hospital are like family to her, and she will miss them. I didn’t have a lot of friends at school--I had social problems. The few I did have were priceless. I sadly didn’t realize it until my last couple years of high school. But I did learn. No one can ever take their place.

Texas was never home for my mom and dad. Other people who live there, they have their parents and siblings and aunts and uncles and cousins living close by, they get together every so often. We have to travel out of state to see our extended family. But now Dad is moving back to his hometown, we’re renting a house from his aunt right next door to a place where one of my cousins is living and a couple of doors down from a few other cousins. It takes two minutes to drive to his mom’s house, but if there’s good weather and you feel up to it you can walk.  Mom can take weekend trips up to Utah to see her family. That’s their idea of being home. So I’m happy for them. And I’m happy for my younger siblings who get to have that experience.

Winter Sunset, I-10 West of Seguin

That little house in Texas is home to me in the sense that it’s where my story began. It’s the place that, after much trial and adversity, I was able to get away from in order to accomplish Great Things™. It’s enough of a home that I have a few ideas for potential fantasy novels set in that region, so if I want to take a trip back I can definitely call it “book research”. If I’m ever successful as an author, I will come back for book tours and give inspirational speeches to kids telling them that they should read books and go places in life. Yes, Texas is home, but there is so much more to the world.

So the Cole family is leaving Texas. We're going to be closer to our extended family. But we will miss the family that we had here. We will remember it as a place of the world that we made a little brighter. That is reason enough to say we’re happy that we were there.

Was 2016 Really That Bad?

I look on Social Media, and everybody says that 2016 was the worst year ever. Everybody is SO GLAD it is over. Even on Facebook, friends of mine are saying that they had a tough time.

I have to say that I agree on a few points. Although we narrowly avoided electing Lady Palpatine to the office of President of the United States, we did get Jabba that Trump instead.

There were a lot of celebrity deaths, and that was hard to swallow for the fans of those celebrities. But I have to admit I wasn’t affected by this trend until the very end.

This year was also really cruel to fictional characters. I won’t name names. *coughingattackBuckycoughcough*

It was a hard year personally. I had some real struggles with my depression and self-esteem and there were some scary moments. Even the things that were good to me, my mental issues turned or tried to turn into bad things. You could say that this was the year I realized that I was in trouble and I needed to do something about it.

But in reality, my 2016 was not a complete disaster. There were a lot of good things that happened this year. It is important in any reflection to remember the positives. So here are 16 reasons my 2016 didn’t suck (completely):

1. The Martian--Seems like a good place to start. First thing I did when I got home from Christmas vacation last year was walk up the street to the Dollar Theater to see The Martian (and that fact is probably one of those things I will never get tired of mentioning). I have seen it three times since. I know I’m going to watch it one more time at some point in the future because I need to introduce my best friend to it. It is a fun, uplifting movie based on a fun, uplifting book. And now that I’ve read the book and seen the movie I get to be in the fandom and make contributions to it. The 70’s mix was a great jam for this year and probably deserves a category by itself. And The Martian is a movie I actually enjoyed that stars Matt Damon so now I can’t say I don’t watch his movies without lying. (I can also say that I’ve seen a movie that Sebastian Stan was in that wasn’t Marvel. ;’) )
   
   
   
   
2. I Started This Blog--Not only that, but I’ve written in it almost every week--I mean, 49/52 is PHENOMENAL. This is a new record for me. I am proud of myself.
3. I became the weekly correspondent for The Geeky Mormon. I wasn’t sure how I was going to be able to handle that with writing weekly for this blog, but I did it. It was great to have more space to write geeky things about. I was even able to keep it going when I got a job and my life got even more busy.  I have even used TGM as a platform to spotlight my other friends in the geek community.
4. I got an actual job--they say you’re not supposed to talk about your employers on social media, so just to be safe I won’t mention names here. I will say it is a thrift store, in Provo. If you know me personally then you know what I’m referring to. I got hired in the middle of May and I’ve been working there since. That’s the longest I’ve had a job since I got out of college but that’s partly because my supervisors have been very flexible with my personal needs. But it’s something else to feel good about. I have an income. I can buy my own rent and groceries. I’m able to pay for my own cosplays with what’s left over. My supervisors are great and willing to give me time off to go do volunteering, and my coworkers are wonderful to work with.

   

   Mark Loertscher Photography

5. It was an excellent year to be the Scarlet Witch--ahhh, yes. The Avengers: Age of Ultron introduced Scarlet Witch to the Marvel Cinematic Universe in 2015 and so at the following comic-cons Scarlet Witch cosplays were everywhere. But that didn’t stop me from putting on the arm warmers and black nail polish whenever I got the chance, especially for charity work. And seeing Wanda Maximoff kick butt in Captain America: Civil War was one of the highlights of that film. #TeamCap #TeamWanda
6. I resumed regular visits with a therapist--I did say this was a rough year for me mentally, didn’t I? Well, thankfully I had a therapist to help me talk through the harder stuff.
7. There was a Cole Family Reunion--Basically we rented a huge resort cabin in Duchesne and chilled for a few days, which was fine by me. It’s kind of hard to want to be around all these people when you’re an introvert but it does pay off when you make an effort. You love these people for a reason.
   
8. Also a Cole Family Wedding--I didn’t get to go to the Fourth of July in Taylor this year due to work, which was a travesty. But I did get to sneak down to Mesa for my cousin Hannah’s wedding. I went down with her brother Cole and helped pay for gas and slept in the car like an adult. I had fun fixing flower arrangements, celebrating my cousin’s marriage and seeing my relatives again.
   
9. My best friend got married and I got to be a bridesmaid--Right before I went home for Christmas this year (so only a couple of weeks ago, but still it was last year) I got to be a bridesmaid. Abby and I met the first day of Freshman orientation at BYU and we’ve been tight ever since. She and her hubby Bryce are so sweet together. I am so happy I got to be a part of her special day, even if it was on December 16th ;) 

   

   Photo courtesy of Abigail Prince
   

   
   

10. Jeremy Renner came to FanX--Hawkeye never looked more like a hawk in his life. I mean:

11. 

    The Salt Lake Tribune

    Mark Hamill came to Comic Con--That was a treat. Salt Lake Comic Con rented out the Vivint SmartHome Arena in Salt Lake and while I was afraid it was going to be a hassle it really wasn’t. I got to sit for about an hour and listen to him tell stories about his career, about being the Joker but more importantly (to me) being Luke Skywalker.  And the pre-show with my fellow Star Wars fans? Worth coming early for!
12. Everything Cosplay--Last year, one of my New Year’s resolutions, along with this blog, was to step up my cosplay game. And I did it. I’ve made at least fifteen cosplays, most of them from casual clothes but a handful from scratch. I’ve gone out and done more with my cosplays this year, too--in addition to comic con, I’ve also done fan videos and photo shoots. My resolution this year? Keep going. I have at least fifteen more cosplay ideas in my head, and some are already in the works.
    
13. Kids Heroes--The trick with all of those costumes I have is to have a use for them. Some of my more kid-friendly or popular characters I have a niche for with the Kids Heroes Foundation. But while going out and being a character is fun, it’s been even more special to go out and serve people, to actually make a difference by being someone they know and love.
14. I ended this year right by getting a new smartphone that I can actually use--Yes, you heard that right. I now have a Microsoft Lumia 640. I can now use social media and internet on my phone. I now have apps on a phone that is appropriate for using apps. I HAVE A CAMERA THAT TAKES QUALITY PICTURES THAT I CAN POST DIRECTLY TO THE INTERWEBS. TO SAY I’M EXCITED WOULD BE AN UNDERSTATEMENT.
15. BLOODLINE--I don’t consider myself a judge of Star Wars books since I didn’t read the EU. But I have read a few other titles in the new Star Wars canon, some of them are great and some of them are meh. But none of them are as amazing as Bloodline. I can't say enough about how great this book is.
    
16. I made an abundance of wonderful new friends--Some of these friends were in the singles wards I was in, but most of them were cosplayers like myself, and a good share of them are in Kids Heroes. Some of them I won’t get to see again or I’ve only met once or twice, but I love them just as much. Some of them I’ve only friended on Facebook and met in person if I was lucky. To all of you, thank you for this wonderful year we’ve shared together. Thank you for the memories we’ve made together and the fun times we’ve had. You were the best part. You made 2016 worth it.

'To Kill a Mockingbird' Revisited

I was going to put this off until next week, but then today at work (I work at a thrift store) I saw a framed print of this image come through the line:

Pinterest

Slightly weird face he's making, I know.

 I know better than to ignore a sign. I finished reading To Kill a Mockingbird for the first time since high school the other night. 

I don't remember reading about half of what was in the book when I was a high school sophomore. I don't remember Aunt Alexandra at all. I remembered Scout's first day of school and Burris Ewell walking out, but I didn't remember Walter Cunningham or the kid with head lights. There were some things I remembered better from the movie once I reached those parts, like Atticus keeping watch over the jailhouse.

Quotesgram

I consider myself more Texan than southern. But I still feel a little at home in 1930s Maycomb Alabama. Probably because of the southern accents and the people. Maybe it's the summer humidity. Or maybe Maycomb is a lot like what southeastern Texas used to be. Or maybe it's because back in Texas was where I read it.  

Yes, I did have in mind the current racial struggles taking place in the U.S.  I must confess, I am not as good of a citizen as I would like to be, and I haven't been able to get my mind around those issues as well as I would like. So I don't have anything enlightening to say on that subject in regards to Mockingbird. But I think we can learn a lot from Scout and Jem as candid observers of their society:

"Naw, Jem, I think there's just one kind of folks. Folks." 

I was thinking of Maya Angelou's memoir I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings, which I read for my capstone course at BYU. And since that capstone was focused on folklore and culture, I was primed to watch for little folklorish things in Jem and Scout's world as shared in Mockingbird. I also watched The Help a year or so ago. This time reading Mockingbird I had a better visual of Calpurnia as one of the maids featured in that film. And The Help also helped me to keep in mind just how petty some high-society women are. (I totally spaced what a breath of fresh air Miss Maudie was).

Atticus Finch is one of the most hardcore characters in literature, but rereading Mockingbird I got the chance to remember why. I had completely forgotten about the incident with the rabid dog. Atticus is a hero in the eyes of his children, and even when the rest of the community sees him as different they still respect him for doing his job--even though he is SO DONE with their ways. If you need to watch the speech again, watch it here:

So, with that important matter of business taken care of, sometime soon I hope to read the recently released sequel Go Set a Watchman. I am really curious to see how it will compare to the original. So no spoilers, please. 

Some Musings on Making Music

I mentioned to my therapist last week that I hadn’t practiced my violin for a while, and she kind of told me off for “burying my talent” in favor of other pursuits. Over the course of the last week, I have gotten out my violin to practice, mostly in anticipation of a performance at an upcoming family reunion that I should have started preparing for weeks if not months ago. But these are a few thoughts I’ve had on the subject.

I don’t like playing my violin. I have to get it in and out of the case nearly every time I use it, and I’m not very good. I practiced for hours on end when I was in middle school and high school simply because my violin teacher(s) asked me to. I didn’t take much pleasure in it.

My immediate and extended families, mostly my dad’s side, are very music-oriented. Music is an important part of our family traditions and I learned violin partly so I would be able to participate. There was kind of an expectation that when I got to college that I would study music on top of whatever else, if not make that my major. But that wasn’t what I wanted for myself. And of course as soon as I got to BYU and figured out how competitive and labor-intensive the music program there is I knew that wasn’t happening.

I enjoy listening to music but making it is kind of an offense to my inner sloth. Since moving out to college, I have gotten out my violin only for the Fourth of July and Christmas. In fact there aren’t a lot of my friends who know I play the violin at all. But in addition to satisfying my own self-indulgence, not making my violin a part of my regular hobbies has been a kind of rebellion against the family paradigm, or at least my perception of it.

So last week I started playing again. I’ve not only been practicing the piece for my upcoming performance, but I’ve also been playing old Suzuki pieces and favorite hymns to warm up. In light of recent personal struggles, taking time to make music has been refreshing. Somewhere in between and after all the hard hours of practice, I forgot that there are violin pieces that I enjoy playing. I forgot what all those hours of hard work were for--so that I could play the music.

I moved to Arizona my junior year of high school. One of the perks was playing in the high school orchestra. I got my violin in and out of its case every day for eight months. At home I would practice on my aunt’s violin, and I would pick out the hard parts and play them over and over again so I wouldn’t trip up when performance time came. Belonging to a legit high school orchestra was one of the best experiences of my life. I practiced my parts the best I could so that I could felt like I’d earned all of it--because the field trips and the friendships would have meant nothing to me if I’d gone home and slacked off. The last orchestra concert of the year we played a medley from Pirates of the Caribbean with the band and it was amazing. I practiced and practiced and PRACTICED because I love Pirates, I love the music from the films, I went on the ride twice when I went to Disneyland, and I wanted that final performance to be the best it could be--and I wanted my part to be the best it could be.

E! Online

After high school, I told myself that I would keep playing the violin and singing in church choirs so that I could make other people happy. I’ve done ward choir a lot less than I would have liked, especially after graduation, and I’ve touched my violin even less. But I remembered something last week. I do the things I do--the cosplay, the writing, the fan art and memes--for the same reason that I need to keep up with my music. It’s not about me, it’s about the happiness I can bring to other people when I share my gifts. And those other people include, oddly enough, myself. I practice so that when I’m called on to perform, I can do ____ to the best of my ability. You have to practice hard in order to be good at something, and you learn something ahead of time so you can enjoy it later. You have to master the basics in order to do the hard stuff.

Yes, focusing on my chosen field of study in college was important, but, now especially after graduation, it is also important to focus on all of my talents and interests, to enrich myself in as many ways as possible. Listening to beautiful music is wonderful, but being able to make it is a gift in itself.

Reality Check

I am currently seeing a therapist. Yesterday we had a very frank discussion about the direction I've been taking with some of my hobbies. There's nothing wrong with fandom or cosplay, my therapist suggests, or with using these as an escape. But one thing she was concerned about was that it's getting to the point where it's easier for me to find purpose in my fantasies than in real life.

The worst thing about having OCD that it can turn anything--ANYTHING--into a bad thing. It's not that I have lost myself completely in my fantasy life. It's just that I'm afraid that I'm going to. I'm afraid that there is going to be a negative impact on my ability to take care of myself and to have normal, healthy relationships. I brought this up with my counselor because I've been struggling with that fear lately.

As I mentioned in a previous post, your focus determines your reality. My OCD is so focused on the fantasy stuff (because it attacks the things you love) that it can appear to be dominating my life. At the same time, partly due to my OCD, I focus a lot these days on escaping reality. It's partly because my reality is less than satisfactory. It's also because I've reached the point where, thanks to cosplay and other means available in fandom, I can bring my fantasies to life. It's empowering and, at the same time, addicting.

I think one solution is balancing my life with other activities. Because let's face it, my worst fear is going to the other extreme and falling for the lie that I need to cut out everything geek-related in my life. Or, even worse, I do something stupid to act on that lie.

One thing my therapist suggested was to go home and write down my thoughts on the matter--not write as an escape, but use writing as a tool. She wanted me to start thinking about what gives me purpose in real life and what I could use to keep myself attached to the real world. And I thought, why not make it a blog post?

Things that give me purpose in real life:

• Making music--I'll have a post about that next week
• Friendships--being with the people I care about is what makes me happier than anything else
• Service, especially helping other people with mental/emotional disabilities
• Travel--I love going to places I've never been to, but I always like revisiting places I love
• Scholarship--literature and history in particular. Now that I'm done with college, I am nowhere near done learning. And I want to learn for fun! I want to fill in the gaps in my favorite subjects and to discover new ideas as well. 
• My family--Spending time with family is about building real relationships and creating real memories, strengthening bonds that are meant to be eternal
• Animals--I love being with or working with animals. I'd love to own a pet someday--it's not as practical, I know, in my circumstances, but something to think about
• Reading books--let's face it, there are already millions of books out there to read, and there are more to come
• Following my natural curiosity--when you come across something by chance, don't let it pass you by, find out what it is and see where following it can take you
• Theater/drama--the more serious side to entertainment, storytelling without cameras or special effects or editing
• Nature--including occasional hiking and camping, but I'm really more of a relaxed walk kind of person
• Watching movies--there are always old ones to rewatch and new ones to discover
• Socializing--I love going out and meeting new people and spending time with my friends.
• Cooking and baking--I haven't really done a lot of baking lately. 
• Service and participation in the Church

Well, that's a start.