Reality Check

I am currently seeing a therapist. Yesterday we had a very frank discussion about the direction I've been taking with some of my hobbies. There's nothing wrong with fandom or cosplay, my therapist suggests, or with using these as an escape. But one thing she was concerned about was that it's getting to the point where it's easier for me to find purpose in my fantasies than in real life.

The worst thing about having OCD that it can turn anything--ANYTHING--into a bad thing. It's not that I have lost myself completely in my fantasy life. It's just that I'm afraid that I'm going to. I'm afraid that there is going to be a negative impact on my ability to take care of myself and to have normal, healthy relationships. I brought this up with my counselor because I've been struggling with that fear lately.

As I mentioned in a previous post, your focus determines your reality. My OCD is so focused on the fantasy stuff (because it attacks the things you love) that it can appear to be dominating my life. At the same time, partly due to my OCD, I focus a lot these days on escaping reality. It's partly because my reality is less than satisfactory. It's also because I've reached the point where, thanks to cosplay and other means available in fandom, I can bring my fantasies to life. It's empowering and, at the same time, addicting.

I think one solution is balancing my life with other activities. Because let's face it, my worst fear is going to the other extreme and falling for the lie that I need to cut out everything geek-related in my life. Or, even worse, I do something stupid to act on that lie.

One thing my therapist suggested was to go home and write down my thoughts on the matter--not write as an escape, but use writing as a tool. She wanted me to start thinking about what gives me purpose in real life and what I could use to keep myself attached to the real world. And I thought, why not make it a blog post?

Things that give me purpose in real life:

• Making music--I'll have a post about that next week
• Friendships--being with the people I care about is what makes me happier than anything else
• Service, especially helping other people with mental/emotional disabilities
• Travel--I love going to places I've never been to, but I always like revisiting places I love
• Scholarship--literature and history in particular. Now that I'm done with college, I am nowhere near done learning. And I want to learn for fun! I want to fill in the gaps in my favorite subjects and to discover new ideas as well. 
• My family--Spending time with family is about building real relationships and creating real memories, strengthening bonds that are meant to be eternal
• Animals--I love being with or working with animals. I'd love to own a pet someday--it's not as practical, I know, in my circumstances, but something to think about
• Reading books--let's face it, there are already millions of books out there to read, and there are more to come
• Following my natural curiosity--when you come across something by chance, don't let it pass you by, find out what it is and see where following it can take you
• Theater/drama--the more serious side to entertainment, storytelling without cameras or special effects or editing
• Nature--including occasional hiking and camping, but I'm really more of a relaxed walk kind of person
• Watching movies--there are always old ones to rewatch and new ones to discover
• Socializing--I love going out and meeting new people and spending time with my friends.
• Cooking and baking--I haven't really done a lot of baking lately. 
• Service and participation in the Church

Well, that's a start.