Finding Gratitude

There's a million things I haven't done. And not having done them drives me crazy.

Some of you may or may not be aware of this, but for the last few months my depression has been worse than usual. My parents and other responsible adult figures have encouraged me to make going to work at my job my number one priority. Which means no taking time off of work for cosplay (no Saturday events) or for family (second year in a row I've missed the Fourth of July in Arizona). 

This year in general has been rough. The few cosplay events I have been to have usually been accompanied by some degree of anxiety, so I haven't really been able to enjoy them as much as I would have wanted. 

Photo from this spring

The stuff I usually agonize about is, with all this on top, harder to manage. I just want so many things that time and money prevent me from having. When I don't have them, when I have to wait longer for the money to buy that new costume or order that new t-shirt, I get frustrated. When I get home from work, I'm tired and I don't feel like working on costumes or writing, let alone put in the effort to work on actually finding a real job. So the things I want to have get delayed...and delayed...and delayed. I pass the time at work gathering wool about what to put into my stories, but I get home and I am too eager to find an excuse to not spin it. I don't get to eat out every weekend. I don't have a lot of food in my fridge, and I don't feel like cooking much. I'm stuck at a job that I don't want, I don't have money to buy everything I need or want, I'm not going to the places or doing the things that I want to do. And worst of all, I never get to spend time with the people I want to see the most.

I never get what I want, right when I want it, as much as I want it. 

All I focus is on what I want.That just makes me more miserable.

This morning, I had a moment of inspiration. Instead of thinking about what I don't have and haven't achieved yet, I could instead feel gratitude for the things that I do have. The things that I have done. What I HAVE accomplished.

Last September, right before Comic Con, I was having a really bad time. All I could focus on were the areas where I was failing. But during a phone call with my mom, she reminded me of the things that I have achieved and the things that I had to look forward to that very weekend. Her sharing that with me was a reminder that I am worth something. That I am capable of doing things--good things, great things, difficult things.  

You know, I could use the same kind of perspective right now. 

I don't get to see my cosplay friends a lot. But we have shared a lot of good experiences. Why be sad about the fun I could be having, when I can look back and remember the good times? 

There are a lot of costumes I want to build or I am somewhere in the stages of building. I don't have time/resources to allocate to creating one-hundred-percent-screen-accurate-costumes right now. But I have already created outfits for a lot of my favorite characters. I've sewn a few of them myself, even. I'm not the best at crafting things by hand, but the stuff I do put together looks good, and it tells a story. People recognize these characters and appreciate me for bringing them out. And I've been able to create some beautiful art through cosplay.

I don't have time to be a full-time writer/author right now. It makes me sick sometimes, to think of all the story ideas that I have that I don't have time to sit down and write, even in my spare time. Guys, being a writer is hard work!

But I do have these stories to tell. I have places to go in my head and my heart. I have stories that I can plan out in my mind. When I get the chance, I can sit down and chip away at them, a little bit at a time. Even though I can't share them all right now, the ones I have created have given me a place to go where I can be happy and safe, and where I can find a different way to analyze my fears. 

I know I haven't posted as much in my blogs as I've wanted to so far this year. But looking back, I have actually written a lot of posts over the last two years, and some of them are actually great.

I don't get to travel a lot. I haven't been outside of Utah since Christmas. I haven't been able to travel anywhere new lately. The only time I ever left the country was when I was three, and that was for a wedding in Mexico I don't even remember. I did get to go to Nauvoo and Florida when I was little, but I feel like it doesn't count. I haven't really BEEN anywhere cool since becoming an adult. And I've been telling myself for years that I was going to save up money and travel. 

But I have been to fantastic places. Right here in the West. I see these places sometimes every summer. I know where they are. I can always go back to them in my mind.

There are friends I don't see in person a lot. But I post things on social media to make them laugh. I still know them. They still know me.

I haven't been able to go out much this summer. But I have made it to four wedding receptions in the last three months--that's actually kind of a record. And I have also been doing a lot of reading--more on that coming next week.

Some of you know, I have invested a lot of my soul in Salt Lake Comic Con in the last few years. Salt Lake Comic Con regularly has a high turnout of big-name celebrities. But I have never had the money to get photo ops or autographs with any of them--except for Carrie Fisher and John Rhys-Davies. Those were two experiences that I will never forget. I also met Ray Park and Daniel Logan in passing. And LeVar Burton. I may want their autographs but I HAVE met them and that's saying something. I may not have gotten their autographs but it was still just as cool to meet them. I've meet some of my favorite authors as well, and been able to meet up with my friends in the professional geeking world. 

And as for the other celebrity guests--Mark Hamill, Chris Evans, Jeremy Renner, Anthony Daniels--I've been able to go to their Q&A panels. I've been in the same room as them, and been entertained by them with thousands of other fans. I saw and heard them in person. Some of the things they've done at Salt Lake Comic Con have gone viral over the internet, and I am able to say that I WAS THERE. And there are guests that I want to come or to come back very badly to upcoming conventions. But if I complain about them too much, I'll forget the good times we HAVE had with the people who HAVE been. And when looking back, I shouldn't listen to the snarly voice in my head that says "You should be grateful for what you already got and stop asking for more." No. Just be grateful. Just feel it.

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I don't live in a penthouse. I don't have an apartment all to myself. I'm still living in the Provo "bubble." But I do have a nice place to live. And I can decorate it however I want. I'm walking distance from BYU campus and some good shopping areas, fast food, and I can get to a bus stop easily. (Plus I haven't misplaced my UTA farepay card for the last several months. There's something to be said for that).  

I'm not a perfect person. I'm not a flawless Molly Mormon. I don't go to the temple EVERY week. I don't make it to church sometimes because I sleep in. Sometimes I only read my scriptures for five minutes instead of fifteen. I haven't done any visiting teaching this summer. And I get angry. A lot. Over stupid little things.  But I am striving to be a good person. I do things that invite the Holy Ghost in my life. I'm trying to socialize more with my ward. I go to the temple when I have the time and energy, and I've been doing better the last couple of weeks. I've started reading through conference talks with my scripture study. 

I have my temptations and weaknesses. But I don't let them define who I am or who I want to be.

I don't have a car, but walking everywhere keeps me in somewhat good shape. My job requires physical activity as well. I'm actually pretty tough physically. And even if my mental health is a mess my physical health problems aren't usually worse than the occasional cold. 

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Remember that meditation I posted last year, Your Focus Determines Your Reality? If all I do is focus on how badly I want something, then the negative feelings will harm me. If I focus on everything that is going wrong, then my life is, indeed, a disaster.

If I take time to look back and think about the things that I do have--a place to live, food to eat, a decent job with reasonable hours, lots of costumes, lots of memories, lots of friends both near and far away--then I realize that I not only have a lot, but I AM a lot. 

What I have may not be the same as what the more-accomplished-adult in the Ritz has, but I shouldn't give in to the trap of thinking that what I have isn't "real" or as important. 

This line of thought inspired me to re-read a talk that President Uchtdorf gave in conference a few years ago, "Grateful in Any Circumstances." It's humbling that I've finally figured out what that talk was about and that I have a reason to apply it. Gratitude isn't so much counting off your specific blessings as it is having the capacity to appreciate those things--the capacity to feel that these things are gifts from God. Especially when times are hard. Seeing the good in the world, in your life, requires faith.

I know my posterity may not be satisfied that I have not kept very consistent personal records over the last several years. But I hope that when they read these blog posts, they will be able to see how I was able to find the positive in difficult circumstances. That's all I want for anyone who reads this next week to get from it, too.

15 Things I Didn't Miss from Star Wars Celebration Thanks to the Interwebs

Middle of last summer I had a crazy idea come over me: go to Orlando for Star Wars celebration. I quickly figured out that I had no way of coming up with enough money to cover the costs of the trip, but for a few days, it actually seemed POSSIBLE. Not just POSSIBLE, but like it was going to happen.

A couple of weeks ago, Celebration Orlando carried on without me, but me being a good online fangirl I kept track of everything through Twitter and watched the live feeds and YouTube videos of the big panels later. It would have been magical to actually be there, but it was nice to experience it without the con fatigue, waiting in lines, crazy crowds, etc.

If there was one Celebration that was worth going to, it was this one. This year marks the 40th anniversary of Star Wars being released in theaters. Coming right on the heels of the passing of the legendary Carrie Fisher, Lucasfilm pulled out all the stops in honoring Carrie's legacy, celebrating the insanity that is Star Wars, and getting us all hyped up for The Last Jedi.

1. Warwick Davis as moderator

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Personal opinion: I don't enjoy Davis as the moderator nearly as much as I liked James Arnold Taylor at Celebration 2015. But after a while, you get used to it. The thing to remember about Warwick Davis is HE WAS ACTUALLY THERE. He was a little kid when A New Hope came out in '77. He was only eleven years old when he got cast as Wicket the Ewok for Return of the Jedi. And he gets along with everyone who's been a part of Star Sars ever since.  He's really perfect for the job, if you think about it. And plus, he's British.

2. George Lucas sharing the story of basically how everything began

Inquisitr

Lucas started off as a small indie director with a couple of films that weren't very big, and it didn't seem very likely that his idea for a Sci-fi soap opera would ever get off the ground. However, Alan Sheppard from 20th Century Fox came to a screening of American Graffiti and told Lucas he would buy whatever his next project was--whatever it was. The rest is history.

It was really special to hear from the guy who made this possible about what he meant it to be and how it became possible.

3. The Cast Reunion at the 40th Anniversary panel

Inverse

When he got on stage, Lucas admitted that he hadn't quite grasped how long forty years had been until he saw the gray in Warwick's hair. It was basically a bunch of people reminiscing--old people, some of them. But it was reminiscing in the best sense of the word. George Lucas, Mark Hamill, Warwick Davis and even (spoiler alert) Harrison Ford couldn't remember all of the details about filming the original trilogy and how the casting happened, what the funny incidents were. Warwick shared a story about a letter he'd written to Lucas after filming ROTJ to ask for some action figures. Very cute. And the fans were happy to see their favorite stars--ALL OF THEM.

Not to mention the video messages from LIAM NEESON and SAMUEL L. JACKSON ;jklasdfj;hksdafdsljk

4. The Memorials for Carrie Fisher

Billie Lourde sporting a white Leia-style dress in honor of her late mother.  (PopCrush)

Oh. My. Gosh. Carrie. It's so unfair that she wasn't there for that panel. But I'll bet she was with us in spirit. George Lucas and Kathleen Kennedy honored her. Mark Hamill positively LAMENTED her--and he also shared some stories of how she used to embarrass him. In a way, they really were brother and sister, Hamill said. And then Carrie's daughter Billie came out and gave that speech. *incoherent moaning noises*

5. The John Williams Concert

George Lucas called him the "secret sauce of Star Wars" and rightly so. I don't think I would like Star Wars half as well if not for the music. But to have Williams there, PERFORMING, CONDUCTING actual highlights from the score. I'd have died and gone to heaven if I was there. Bravo, Maestro!

Inside the Magic

6. BB-8 Rolling Back on Center Stage

BB-8 came out onstage for The Last Jedi panel, and Josh Gad got to tease him a little. A good thing BB-8 knows how to keep a secret, right?

Hypable

Also, this happened:

Diane Gallagher/Twitter

7. HAYDEN!

A Prequels' fangirl's dream come true! Hayden made his only big stage appearance at the 40th Anniversary panel, where the only thing he got to say was that George Lucas had to tell him off during filming AOTC and ROTS for making lightsaber noises--and apparently Ewan McGregor and Ray Park also have this problem. Where did George find these children, seriously? It was darn cute. And Hayden looks like he almost hasn't aged a day in fifteen years, holy smokes.

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He got to be on The Star Wars Show, too, but he didn't say much there, either. But, come on, he's our Anakin! I understand if he can't say anything in front of George Lucas but there has to be more about filming Star Wars than just lightsabers.

Well, we also got this (Swag Eyes/Twitter)

But anyway, it's great to know that the fandom still appreciates Hayden Christansen.

Including his space son:

Getty Images

8. Ian McDairmid giving the Tragedy of Darth Plageuis its due

I didn't appreciate McDairmid upstaging Hayden during the 40th anniversary panel. But Ian McDairmid is so fun to listen to, and this was no exception during his solo panel. He went into depth about filming the Darth Plageuis scene--he really has a grasp on Palpatine and just how deliciously EVIL he is, and yet McDairmid is so warm and funny in person--shocking, isn't it? 

9. Ray Park

I have seen Ray Park in person, I even shook hands with him. He might be Darth Maul, but IRL he is actually a goofball and a really nice guy. So I have heard some of his stories before, but it's always a treat to hear them.

One thing that Ray Park loves, and is good at, is interacting with the fans. He got a group of padawans on stage for a lightsaber demonstration (did you see his reaction to that spot-on Kylo Ren?). He and Davis also reenacted Darth Maul's untimely "death" in The Phantom Menace. Warwick got to be Obi-wan. Someone had to hold him over the side of the stage and then pick him up for that final jump.

10. All the Rian Johnson

When we were getting our first news about The Force Awakens, I said that if J.J. Abrams managed to pull it off he would be my new favorite person. Rian Johnson, on the other hand, doesn't even need a trial period. The night before the TLJ panel, he went out to greet the fans who were camped outside the auditorium.

Twitter/Viktor Lundberg

I was able to tune into the livestream of the TLJ panel before heading to work, and I actually saw most of it. Johnson kept a camera with him during the filming of TLJ and during the panel he shared some of his personal photos from the set--including a very candid shot of him autographing the Millenium Falcon.

And he was even taking photos on the stage during the panel!

Screenshot Twitter/ Rian Johnson

Rian Johnson is so endearing and cute and generous. Mark Hamill and Kathleen Kennedy had a lot of good things to say about him. Knowing all that, my expectations for The Last Jedi are even higher. And that's not necessarily a good thing.

11. Meet Kelly Marie Tran

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I've heard about Tran from listening to Far Far Away Radio, and for some reason I was expecting her to be a villain. But no, Tran is playing a run-of-the-mill mechanic in the Resistance. Tran got to come onstage for The Last Jedi panel and be in public for the first time. She told how she had been forced to keep her casting in Star Wars a secret from her family, to the point where she even sent them a bottle of maple syrup to convince them she was in Canada. Mark Hamill said if she was any cuter she'd be an actual Disney cartoon character.

12. The Golden Idol: Anthony Daniels

PickyNerd

Anthony Daniels actually shared a couple of stories from filming the prequels, oddly enough. He went into more detail about the deleted scene from AOTC where Padme had given him coverings--a part that would have done great service to both of their characters--and we even got a photo. He also had to tell the very embarassing story of how he fell over on the set of ROTS while Ewan McGregor and Natalie Portman were trying to film a serious scene (and they both cracked up at him). Anthony Daniels, not surprisingly, made Warwick's job as moderator difficult. He even crashed the Droids panel--twice!  Daniels can come across as a bit vain, but he's really fun.

13. Mark Hamill--I need him like I need air

I cannot get enough of this man. Seriously. He loves the attention from his adoring fans. And he gives them much adoration in return. He kept talking for his "Mark Hamill Himself" panel in spite of a hoarse voice. What a trooper. Also his dogs.  Mark Hamill is so humble and grateful and I hope when we see Luke Skywalker again onscreen in December that he embodies at least some of that.

Telegraph

14. Cosplays of Characters from the Books

I thought I was the only person in the universe thinking of cosplaying Lady Carise Sindian. But no, this girl at Celebration beat me to it. Along with a gorgeous Ransolm Casterfro and a Leia all dressed in black. Don't get the reference? It's the cast of Claudia Gray's Bloodline.

Twitter/Amelia@amalimali

Here's Ransolm. I love him and I will protect him at all costs.

Twitter/Johnathan Nerf Baker

And here we have Grand Admiral Rae Sloane, who started out as a lowly captain in A New Dawn which is one of my favorite books ever. And Sloane is one of my favorite characters ever.

Screenshot Twitter/Nanci

15. Just being IN the Star Wars universe

For those of you who haven't heard of Star Wars celebration: think of Comic Con but exclusively Star Wars stuff. Displays of Star Wars merchandise, collectibles, models of every shape and size--anything you can do think of doing with Star Wars, it's probably there. Favorite character? There's probably someone--multiple people--cosplaying them. The Star Wars fan community has its own unique traditions and customs. To these people, that galaxy far far away is home. They might like different aspects of the franchise, but they make it their own. And celebration is a chance to actually be IN it and share that experience with thousands of other fans who share your passion. It's the chance to see the things you love about the Star Wars universe come to life in a way that they couldn't anywhere else.

I'm being a hundred percent serious when I say that if I could go live in any fictional universe, I would pick the Star Wars universe.

I am going to the next Celebration in Anaheim if it kills me.

16. I almost forgot to mention ALAN TUDYK!

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Some More Awesome Cosplay from FanX 2017

I have already written up about FanX 2017 for The Geeky Mormon, but I feel the need to go back and share more of the cool photos I got at con of all the cosplayers, characters, and creatures I met.

For instance, this adorable Jawa.

Agent 13 got to meet a lot of her fellow Marvel heroes, including Iron Patriot

Jyn Erso ran into a couple of very bizarre-looking and bizarre sounding aliens.

Serious props to this girl for portraying Shmi Skywalker. She is such an undervalued character.

Not to be outdone, here is Padme rocking her baby bump.

Padme's burial gown--I told this girl that this was one of the most beautiful cosplays I saw the whole con. 

I'd like you to meet my Sithsters Brittany and Melanie

Victor Sine and Marial Clark as the Green Lanterns

Sharon made it a point to say hi Cap--including my friend Ryan Stevens

She is a Wasp. Best beware her sting.

Princess Leia and a Jedi bodyguard

The Dark Side of the Force was strong at this convention

I'm not much of a Star Trek fan, but I know enough about the fandom to respect it--and enough to pull over Riker and Troy for a photo. 

Anastaisa!!!!!!!!!!

Odin and Thor of Asgard. This father and son duo placed in the cosplay contest.

My friend Benji as Fred from Big Hero 6, who couldn't help posing for a bueno photo with Deadpool

I also haven't actually had the chance to sit down and watch Doctor Who, but I respect the fandom. A lot. And this duo as Twelve and a Weeping Angel were spectacular.

I asked the Doctor if I could get a photo with him. If Sharon Carter is up to anything after Civil War, why not having adventures in space and time?

 

Another VERY beautiful cosplay--Arwen from The Lord of the Rings

 

I found this Gandalf tramping around not far away from Arwen.

I saw several Moana cosplays at FanX, but this one was by far my favorite. Because Heihei.

My friend Stephan Watson as a Stormtrooper

A Hawkgirl with a very breathtaking wingspan

And last but definitely not least, Tai Lung from Kung Fu Panda