Love You to the Moon and Back: Lupin and Tonks

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I’m going to make honoring one of my OTPs a Valentine’s Day tradition (Link: last year's post). True, my personal love life SUCKS, but reading about love and watching movies about love is encouraging. Love still has a purpose in existence. And it is an integral part of my fandoms and my favorite stories. Because sometimes love is what makes all the difference.

Fair warning, I am going to get extremely personal with this post. But the themes in this story are tied to issues that have been on my mind recently. (If you’re my future husband, however, I think you need to read this.)

This year’s OTP is Lupin and Tonks from the Harry Potter series. This couple is special to me for a number of reasons so allow me to elaborate. This might end up being more of a tribute to Lupin than to Tonks or the both of them, but as they say, there’s method to my madness.

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As some of you may or may not know, I am a sucker for backstories and subplots. One of my absolute favorite things about the Potter saga is the Marauders backstory. Imagine this: listening to the Jim Dale audio performance of Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban while driving through the Colorado rockies to drop off dad at a Boy Scout high adventure, and after dark while you’re trying to fall asleep before Mom gets to the hotel you’re at the part where Harry, Ron and Hermione are in the Shrieking Shack with Sirius, Lupin, and Pettigrew. It’s the most beautiful thing you’ve ever heard. You already read it a month ago, but this time the story has meaning.

Then a few months later your family rents the movie on VHS over Thanksgiving (yes, it actually came out on VHS). Your mom is explaining the backstory of the Mauraders to your best friend’s mom who only speaks Spanish. You understand enough Spanish in context of the situation that you know what she’s saying. It’s the most beautiful thing you’ve ever heard in Spanish.

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Remus Lupin, at a young age, was bitten by Fenrir Greyback and made a werewolf. Once a month, he becomes a mindless monster. Other werewolves have rejected mainstream wizardry. Lupin’s parents want him to have as normal a life as possible. Arrangements are made for him to attend Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. And when he’s at Hogwarts, he comes across three young boys his age who instantly become his best friends. Their antics and hijinks become the stuff of school legend. When they discover their friend is a werewolf, they don’t reject him. Instead they stand by him and do their best to make life more bearable for him.

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Tragedy strikes after they leave school. Wormtail betrays them and goes on the run. James is murdered by Voldemort. Sirius Black is framed for selling him out and sent to Azkaban. Remus Lupin does his best to live a normal life in the Wizarding World, but it’s difficult. And lonely.

Enter Nymphadora Tonks at the start of the Second Wizarding War. Recent Hogwarts graduate, Hufflepuff, recruited to the Order of the Phoenix. I don’t pretend to know how Tonks and Lupin were introduced. Or what it was about him that got her to like him. To be honest, I have a hard time understanding women who go after older men period. And I don’t get why Tonks would suddenly have an interest in a guy who is poor, older, and not guaranteed to be able to take care of her. She’s a young, attractive Auror with everything going for her. What is she thinking?

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And yet for some reason, right before Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince came out, thirteen-year-old me starts having fantasies that Lupin and Tonks would get married. I don’t recall the reason why. But I did think that Tonks having a good job as an Auror would be able to get him wolfsbane potion once a month, so that would sweeten the deal. If she’s an Auror she has to be good at potions, right? And plus, she’s the one with a good job, so Remus wouldn’t have to worry, right? (For the record, my mom has been the breadwinner in my family since I was a preteen so I don’t see anything wrong with working moms).  So in other words, I shipped them before I knew shipping was a thing.

So you can imagine my surprise and delight with the hospital scene after Dumbledore’s death. Due to this and several other weird predictions/premonitions during my youth, I conclude that I had ESP when I was younger.

I have to assume, as with most things in fandom, that Tonks fell for him behind the scenes. During their work together for the Order of the Phoenix they spent time together, got to know each other. And somehow, there was chemistry. And then, Tonks opened up to him about her feelings. He was scared. He wasn’t ready for someone to accept him. So he backed out. Hence, mousy-haired, moody Tonks all of Harry’s sixth year.

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This is the part where I’m really grateful for Fleur Delacour. Any other witch could have rejected Bill Weasley after being injured by Greyback. Any other witch might not have risked the side effects of Bill being poisoned and having his face scarred. But to Fleur Delacour, there is more to being in love with someone than their being young and whole. And this is the affirmation that Tonks needs to voice her true feelings. I think it’s the Hufflepuff in her: she loves Remus and she refuses to give up on him, no matter what.

For months after Half-blood Prince came out, I would go back and re-read this part over and over again.

Lupin doesn’t reject her because he doesn’t want her. He rejects Tonks because he hates himself. He’s anything but the ideal Wizard that Tonks should be seeking after.

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There are very few fictional characters that I identify with as much as Remus Lupin. And I would be hesitant--am hesitant--to get into a committed relationship with someone for those same reasons. I’m poor. I can’t keep a job. I’m mentally imbalanced. I’m autistic. I have moments of OCD-induced terror or rage that make me feel exactly like a werewolf. I could never be a perfect wife to the perfect guy I’m going to fall in love with someday. Much less a perfect mom to the kids of that perfect guy. My anxiety over failing in these important, God-given roles is almost paranoia. It’s probably worse for Lupin because he’s been rejected over and over again in public: my worst critic is my own self.

In book seven, when Lupin abandons Tonks, the fear that motivates him to do so is frighteningly real to me. But not so much that I am afraid of what my children will become. I’m afraid of them having a monster for a mother. A mother who can’t take care of them.

For the record, I have not seen the film adaptations of Deathly Hallows, parts one or two, because of how they treated the Lupin/Tonks story in the sixth film with them already dating. That was just cheesy. And I knew that they weren’t going to get right any of the other parts that mattered for Deathly Hallows, much less Lupin and Tonks. I suppose someday I’ll swallow my pride. But for the record, it goes to show how much their story means to me. Even the actors who played Lupin and Tonks agreed that they wanted to see more of their story on screen.

BOOM. (Pinerest)

Getting back from that tangent: I guess sometime before Dumbledore’s funeral, Lupin and Tonks had a talk. Lupin must have figured out that he actually loved her in return and he was talked into courting her. By the beginning of book seven, they’ve eloped. Reading that part for the first time after the book came out was sheer joy. For someone who was such a huge fan of Lupin, his relationship with Tonks was a miracle.

I just kind of dealt with Lupin leaving Tonks during her pregnancy--I read Deathly Hallows for the first time in most of one day. That was resolved soon enough. And it turned out Lupin’s fears about a monstrous child were ill-founded: Teddy turns out to be a metamorphmagus like his mom and he’s absolutely suave when he grows up. But Remus and Tonks dying in the Battle of Hogwarts when Teddy is just days old? That hurt. That hurt a lot.

I mostly feel bad for Lupin because, after all of the crap that he’d put up with in his life, he deserved, he NEEDED, to be happy. Finally with Tonks and Teddy, he had everything going for him. ALL OF THE OTHER MARAUDERS WERE DEAD. AT LEAST ONE OF THEM SHOULD HAVE LIVED.

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But Remus Lupin died at the battle of Hogwarts so that Voldemort’s reign of terror would end. And Nymphadora Tonks died alongside him because she didn’t want to be without him. Her son was safe at home with her mother. Tonks wanted to be with the man he loved.

“He will know why I died and I hope he will understand. I was trying to make a world in which he could live a happier life.”

I can be okay with that. That’s as much as any true hero dies for, isn’t it?

But last year, keeping with her annual tradition of expressing remorse for the death of a character, J.K. Rowling had a few words to say about Remus Lupin.

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Remus Lupin is one of my favorite Harry Potter characters because, yes, like me, he had a hard life, but in spite of that he was able to experience the true magic of friendship and love.

Lupin and Tonks are a reminder that to be truly in love with someone--to be in a true, committed relationship with them--means that our flaws, our imperfections, our weaknesses don’t matter. When two people in love get together, they promise to do their best to support each other and rear the next generation in spite of everything that could go wrong. True love keeps going. I hope that when I find my true love, I can find the same courage.

If you like the pins/pictures I had in this post, follow my Pinterest board harry potter and the pinterest of erised

Was 2016 Really That Bad?

I look on Social Media, and everybody says that 2016 was the worst year ever. Everybody is SO GLAD it is over. Even on Facebook, friends of mine are saying that they had a tough time.

I have to say that I agree on a few points. Although we narrowly avoided electing Lady Palpatine to the office of President of the United States, we did get Jabba that Trump instead.

There were a lot of celebrity deaths, and that was hard to swallow for the fans of those celebrities. But I have to admit I wasn’t affected by this trend until the very end.

This year was also really cruel to fictional characters. I won’t name names. *coughingattackBuckycoughcough*

It was a hard year personally. I had some real struggles with my depression and self-esteem and there were some scary moments. Even the things that were good to me, my mental issues turned or tried to turn into bad things. You could say that this was the year I realized that I was in trouble and I needed to do something about it.

But in reality, my 2016 was not a complete disaster. There were a lot of good things that happened this year. It is important in any reflection to remember the positives. So here are 16 reasons my 2016 didn’t suck (completely):

1. The Martian--Seems like a good place to start. First thing I did when I got home from Christmas vacation last year was walk up the street to the Dollar Theater to see The Martian (and that fact is probably one of those things I will never get tired of mentioning). I have seen it three times since. I know I’m going to watch it one more time at some point in the future because I need to introduce my best friend to it. It is a fun, uplifting movie based on a fun, uplifting book. And now that I’ve read the book and seen the movie I get to be in the fandom and make contributions to it. The 70’s mix was a great jam for this year and probably deserves a category by itself. And The Martian is a movie I actually enjoyed that stars Matt Damon so now I can’t say I don’t watch his movies without lying. (I can also say that I’ve seen a movie that Sebastian Stan was in that wasn’t Marvel. ;’) )
   
   
   
   
2. I Started This Blog--Not only that, but I’ve written in it almost every week--I mean, 49/52 is PHENOMENAL. This is a new record for me. I am proud of myself.
3. I became the weekly correspondent for The Geeky Mormon. I wasn’t sure how I was going to be able to handle that with writing weekly for this blog, but I did it. It was great to have more space to write geeky things about. I was even able to keep it going when I got a job and my life got even more busy.  I have even used TGM as a platform to spotlight my other friends in the geek community.
4. I got an actual job--they say you’re not supposed to talk about your employers on social media, so just to be safe I won’t mention names here. I will say it is a thrift store, in Provo. If you know me personally then you know what I’m referring to. I got hired in the middle of May and I’ve been working there since. That’s the longest I’ve had a job since I got out of college but that’s partly because my supervisors have been very flexible with my personal needs. But it’s something else to feel good about. I have an income. I can buy my own rent and groceries. I’m able to pay for my own cosplays with what’s left over. My supervisors are great and willing to give me time off to go do volunteering, and my coworkers are wonderful to work with.

   

   Mark Loertscher Photography

5. It was an excellent year to be the Scarlet Witch--ahhh, yes. The Avengers: Age of Ultron introduced Scarlet Witch to the Marvel Cinematic Universe in 2015 and so at the following comic-cons Scarlet Witch cosplays were everywhere. But that didn’t stop me from putting on the arm warmers and black nail polish whenever I got the chance, especially for charity work. And seeing Wanda Maximoff kick butt in Captain America: Civil War was one of the highlights of that film. #TeamCap #TeamWanda
6. I resumed regular visits with a therapist--I did say this was a rough year for me mentally, didn’t I? Well, thankfully I had a therapist to help me talk through the harder stuff.
7. There was a Cole Family Reunion--Basically we rented a huge resort cabin in Duchesne and chilled for a few days, which was fine by me. It’s kind of hard to want to be around all these people when you’re an introvert but it does pay off when you make an effort. You love these people for a reason.
   
8. Also a Cole Family Wedding--I didn’t get to go to the Fourth of July in Taylor this year due to work, which was a travesty. But I did get to sneak down to Mesa for my cousin Hannah’s wedding. I went down with her brother Cole and helped pay for gas and slept in the car like an adult. I had fun fixing flower arrangements, celebrating my cousin’s marriage and seeing my relatives again.
   
9. My best friend got married and I got to be a bridesmaid--Right before I went home for Christmas this year (so only a couple of weeks ago, but still it was last year) I got to be a bridesmaid. Abby and I met the first day of Freshman orientation at BYU and we’ve been tight ever since. She and her hubby Bryce are so sweet together. I am so happy I got to be a part of her special day, even if it was on December 16th ;) 

   

   Photo courtesy of Abigail Prince
   

   
   

10. Jeremy Renner came to FanX--Hawkeye never looked more like a hawk in his life. I mean:

11. 

    The Salt Lake Tribune

    Mark Hamill came to Comic Con--That was a treat. Salt Lake Comic Con rented out the Vivint SmartHome Arena in Salt Lake and while I was afraid it was going to be a hassle it really wasn’t. I got to sit for about an hour and listen to him tell stories about his career, about being the Joker but more importantly (to me) being Luke Skywalker.  And the pre-show with my fellow Star Wars fans? Worth coming early for!
12. Everything Cosplay--Last year, one of my New Year’s resolutions, along with this blog, was to step up my cosplay game. And I did it. I’ve made at least fifteen cosplays, most of them from casual clothes but a handful from scratch. I’ve gone out and done more with my cosplays this year, too--in addition to comic con, I’ve also done fan videos and photo shoots. My resolution this year? Keep going. I have at least fifteen more cosplay ideas in my head, and some are already in the works.
    
13. Kids Heroes--The trick with all of those costumes I have is to have a use for them. Some of my more kid-friendly or popular characters I have a niche for with the Kids Heroes Foundation. But while going out and being a character is fun, it’s been even more special to go out and serve people, to actually make a difference by being someone they know and love.
14. I ended this year right by getting a new smartphone that I can actually use--Yes, you heard that right. I now have a Microsoft Lumia 640. I can now use social media and internet on my phone. I now have apps on a phone that is appropriate for using apps. I HAVE A CAMERA THAT TAKES QUALITY PICTURES THAT I CAN POST DIRECTLY TO THE INTERWEBS. TO SAY I’M EXCITED WOULD BE AN UNDERSTATEMENT.
15. BLOODLINE--I don’t consider myself a judge of Star Wars books since I didn’t read the EU. But I have read a few other titles in the new Star Wars canon, some of them are great and some of them are meh. But none of them are as amazing as Bloodline. I can't say enough about how great this book is.
    
16. I made an abundance of wonderful new friends--Some of these friends were in the singles wards I was in, but most of them were cosplayers like myself, and a good share of them are in Kids Heroes. Some of them I won’t get to see again or I’ve only met once or twice, but I love them just as much. Some of them I’ve only friended on Facebook and met in person if I was lucky. To all of you, thank you for this wonderful year we’ve shared together. Thank you for the memories we’ve made together and the fun times we’ve had. You were the best part. You made 2016 worth it.

What Kind of Santa Do You Want?

I have kind of mixed feelings about Santa Claus. Sure, I liked him when I was a kid, but now that I’m an adult a part of me doesn’t see the point anymore. In fact, like a lot of people I’m turned off by how much he’s used for Christmas specials and advertisements. I think the thing that bothers me about Santa the most is how GENERIC he’s become. Red suit trimmed with white fur, belt, hat beard, reindeer. Very little variation. Cultural staple. Everybody knows who he is.

It’s kind of aggravating to think that this version of Santa Claus came from just a handful of texts written in the nineteenth century that were popularized for mass consumption. Sure, Clement C. Moore’s The Night Before Christmas sets up the stereotypes that we’ve come to associate with Santa. But does anyone ever stop and think about how this most commonly-used version of Santa is based on a single person’s interpretation?

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The popular thing to do these days, of course, is to reject the mainstream narrative. The patron of holiday gift-giving can be whoever you want it to be and need it to be. Or you can reject having one at all. I’ve had a few people in my acquaintance reject Santa Claus or try to at least minimize how much their kids are exposed to him. Someday I will be a mom with kids, and my future spouse and I are going to have influence over who our kids think is bringing their presents. We’re going to be picking which holiday specials they watch, we’ll pick the Christmas music they listen to on the radio, we’ll have the final say over whether or not they go to visit the generic guy in the suit who comes to appears at holiday social functions. It’s a huge responsibility. But the sky is the limit.

What kind of a Santa do I want to believe in, if at all? One interpretation of Santa Claus that has stuck out to me in recent years is North from Rise of the Guardians. Yes, he is a hardcore Russian guy with tattoos and swords and he’s got dark fur on his coat. But the most important thing about North is his center. One thing I liked about Rise of the Guardians’ interpretation of the holidays is that every Guardian has a center, something immaterial that they represent or value. If you look at it one way, their center is politically correct, but they can be open to religious interpretation too (which is also why I’m a fan of Bunny’s center, Hope). North’s center, which he explains so well to Jack Frost, is wonder. One thing I’ve come to appreciate about Christmas in recent years is its wonder. Wonder at new-fallen snow. Wonder at how the decorations and lights add beauty to the world. Wonder at the events of the coming of the Christ child. Wonder at the gifts that came because of the birth of Christ. In April 2015, Elder Gerard Causse gave an address to LDS General Conference about not taking the Gospel for granted. Christmas is an important celebration because it reminds us of the wonder and awe and reverence we need to have for those gifts.

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So whoever I want my Santa Claus to be, I know he has to represent the wonder of Christmas. Santa Claus doesn’t really fit with the magic systems I’ve played with in recent years (which is one reason he’s lost relevance to me). I really like Santa figurines or tree-toppers where we see Santa wearing longer robes. Or clothes in colors other than red with elaborate patterns. When I was a kid, the cheesy typical Santa Claus was acceptable. Now that I’m an adult, I want to picture him a little differently. A figure that represents the wonder of Christmas. A figure that represents awe and reverence.

Maybe my Santa is a little more like the traditional Saint Nicholas. When I was in kindergarten, we took a field trip to a place to meet a traditional German Saint Nicholas who wore a simple red robe and who handed out switches to bad children. For a day or so after I would tell people I preferred to believe in Saint Nicholas. Didn’t last long, but it made an impression on me.

Have I thought about figures that could replace Santa in my future home? Well, maybe not replace Santa outright but other traditions that I could incorporate or celebrate.

I like Father Christmas. He's got a less obnoxious vibe to me than Santa Claus. I like how C.S. Lewis uses him in The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe. He isn’t named in the movie but he brings important gifts to the children, and his appearance heralds the coming of Aslan. (And then Lucy’s line ‘Told you he was real’ in the movie is perfection). J.R.R. Tolkien’s approach to Father Christmas was a little more personal. During the 1930s he wrote a series of letters as Father Christmas to his children, detailing how he and his assistants got the presents out and their work during the year. I recently bought my own copy of The Father Christmas letters and brought it home to share with my family. I highly recommend it. It’s a completely different universe/world system from Middle-earth, and it’s more kid-friendly, but Tolkein got a kick out of world-building no matter what, and there’s an elegance to Tolkein’s Father Christmas on its own. I like Father Christmas less because I’m an Anglophile and more because of how these authors have presented him to me.

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I’m also huge fan of anything Russian. There were a couple of girls in a singles ward I was in a few years ago who had served missions in Russia and they introduced me to Ded Moroz and Snegorouchka--Father Frost and Snow Maiden. At their 2013 concert the Mormon Tabernacle Choir did a Russian-themed medley for the dance ensemble. Kind of random, considering the Dickens/British vibe of the concert, but part of the medley was the tumblers’ dance from the Snow Maiden ballet. Ruth Sanderson’s storybook The Snow Maiden is a beautiful retelling of the Snow Maiden legend. I’m no expert on how Father Frost and Snow Maiden are used in Russia, but they’re a lot prettier than Santa Claus.  Snegorouchka especially adds a needed female element to how I want to celebrate Christmas. I will at least tell my kids about them.

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I can see the appeal of the Three Kings/Three Wise men in other cultures, since they are directly a part of the traditional nativity. And there’s something to be said for the Farandole/Three Kings dance in last year’s Tab Choir Christmas concert. But they’re not my first pick.

Now here’s an idea I’ve been playing with for the last couple of years: the three Ghosts from Dickens’ A Christmas Carol. This is what I get for writing a term paper on A Christmas Carol for my Victorian literature class in college, but bear with me. The Three Spirits could totally work as mythical Christmas figures. The Ghost of Christmas Past encourages reflection on your Christmas memories. The Ghost of Christmas Present represents being connected with friends and family and how they are observing the season. Maybe the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come doesn’t work so well for kids, but maybe it is an appropriate reminder of what happens if you don’t let the Spirit of Christmas into your heart. Maybe they could be for adults. They’re cooler than Santa by a long shot. And in the 2013 Tab Choir Concert John Rhys-Davies took on the mantle of Christmas Present to lecture a young Dickens. Why the Ghost of Christmas Present should anybody else is beyond me.

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There are still some things to be said for the stereotypical Santa. I am also a fan of the Santa in the CBS Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer. He’s got an interesting rapport with Mrs. Claus, and he’s conscious about not being fat enough to please the children. The Kris Kringle song is one of my favorites.

How about Calvin and Hobbes? Calvin is a sincere believer in Santa Claus but his issue is how he’s a bad kid and he’s afraid of being punished for his bad behavior with a lack of toys. He questions Santa but it doesn’t occur to him to reject him. That’s what makes Calvin a believable kid. Santa does make occasional appearances in the strip but more as a manifestation of Calvin’s anxieties.

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Over the years, my mom has told me repeatedly that she still believes in Santa Claus because of what he embodies. To me, Santa Claus, in his purest, most non-commercial form, regardless of appearance, is someone who gives. Someone who treats all children with fairness. Someone who acts with kindness. Someone who reminds us of the wonder of the Season. The Real Santa Claus is the Santa who kneels before the Manger and remembers what his job is truly about.  

(And like I said, the Mormon Tabernacle Choir are his favorite helpers). To paraphrase the famous letter to Virginia, yes, there is a Santa Claus in the sense that the things he truly represents--the things you can’t see or feel or prove--also exist.

Jolly Ol' Saint Nicholas

It’s a choice to believe in Santa, even when you’re still awake on Christmas Eve night and you can hear your parents setting out your gifts. But the more important thing to choose is to believe in for yourself is what Santa represents.